Behind the Smile: The Invisible Battle

      The day that marked the beginning of a never-ending saga of fear, the fear of that wave returning was one I will never forget. It hit me like a wave of storms I never saw coming. The complexity that had been buried deep inside me, only to burst out one day without warning. From that moment, it felt like an unstoppable force. That wave was first but not last. As much as I wanted to deny it, I had to accept the truth, I had experienced a panic attack. 

      It hit me unexpectedly like a wave hitting down without warning. Suddenly, everything around me seemed to disappear, and I was lost in the maze of emotions. That hit left me breathless, terrified, and completely uncertain about what was happening to my body. My heart raced uncontrollably, my hands trembled, and the world around me seemed to blur like I was being pulled into a vortex. It was overwhelming and, more than anything, confusing. This moment marked the start of my journey through the often silent suffering which is getting difficult to hide and bury inside me. The ignorance of the signs forced me to confront the reality I had long avoided. My mental health wasn’t something I could push aside anymore; it had become a central part of my everyday life. 

       As terrifying as that first experience was, it was only the beginning. Each hit of the wave felt more intense and more difficult to manage. The trembling in my hands grew worse, my legs would shake uncontrollably, and tears filled my eyes as the overwhelming sense of fear took over. I often felt as though I was losing control of my own body. With every episode, I became more fearful of the next, living in constant anxiety over when it might strike again. The unpredictability of it all left me on edge, scared of my own emotions. It was a cycle I never wished to experience but one I felt powerless to escape.  

      Experiencing a panic attack remains one of the most nerve-racking and frightening experiences of my life. It’s a moment I never want to rewind, but it lingers in my mind, triggering fear and anxiety every day. Each time I think about it, I’m reminded of how vulnerable I felt. It’s a moment that to this day, I continue to fear. It destroyed a part of me, leaving me with a lingering sense of unease that I struggled to overcome. The fear of facing another attack is always with me, a shadow hanging over me every day, every quiet moment when my mind has time to wander. 

      For someone always seeking academic validation, it was difficult to step back while taking exams also for merely one panic attack. In the silent hall, everyone focused on their paper. I was there at the center and didn't know what to do, or whom to seek help. I wanted to come out of that space but I was scared to easily give up. I was resistant to staying back for merely that paper which you may say but that merely paper carried my dream. Which I can't even afford to lose for merely that panic attack I may reply. I never wish that merely panic attacks to be the reason, but is the reason for my fear of seeking those validations again, my fear towards my dream. Someone who was once an academic achiever is no longer an academic achiever. I wish to be the one I was but I can't. I seek those academic validations but I can't. I see those disappointed faces around me but it is hard. It is hard to be the same person I was once before. 

      As frightening as it was to accept back then, panic attacks have now become a part of my life. I wish I could erase those frightening memories, those suffering behind the smile just like I lost the count of the suffering I endured. Those will always remain there as a magnet to life and never let be the unforgettable ones. It will come back with a wave of storm every time I try to erase it from my life. It will never let those be easily erasable nor let you forget it. It will remain there as long as I am here and with the wave of storm it will hit me every time as long as I am here like, a part of my everyday routine.

      Behind every smile, there is an untold truth, which will never be unfold. Behind every smile, there is an invisible battle that everyone is fighting for secretly. Those untold truths will never be revealed, nor those invisible battles ever be known, until I am gone. And even then, I truly wonder if anyone will truly understand the depth of silence I carried all this time.